Every year, late in winter, I feel anxious with the need to get away. Get away from the early sunsets, away from the same route to work and away from the same errands.

I have returned to work from each maternity leave… pregnant. Twelve weeks after pushing another life into this world, I am nauseas and bloated and my body is put back to work on creating another heartbeat.

It doesn’t exist. I am so far from having balance that I have stopped chasing that mirage. I do my best to embrace the chaos and revel in the extremes.

Felicia is Latin or Spanish for happiness. So it only makes sense that I fell in love with a half Black and half Honduran man to create perfectly exquisite HISblasian babies.

I know my best qualities as a mother are those I inherited from her. We serve the same purpose but we don’t fill the same role. After all, she is Grandma and I’m Mommy.

As my leave comes to an end and I prepare to start work again this week, I feel so lucky that I was able to spend my time the way I did. The weeks go by fast and the babies grow even faster,

He’s a parent, he’s the father of my children, we created these lives together. I wondered if I told this person that my husband had a project to complete which required several weeks shortly after me having a child, would his reaction be the same.

Suddenly, I went from the woman who could conquer anything to a new mom that couldn’t handle one baby. 

Being raised by a single mother and as a female of color, I know what it means to be a woman in this world. On the flip side, I feel nearly clueless when it comes to raising a boy let alone a mixed boy into a man.

A new place, no schedule and different vibes feeds the soul!

What I do and how I do it matters. I must be intentional as a mother and choose what I emphasize wisely to my ever-evolving beloved tiny humans.

I gowned up, blasted my PAPR hood and saw patient after patient. I worked my last shift before going into labor overnight taking care of one of the sickest Covid patients during the pandemic at our hospital.

For a moment, as we climbed the dunes and Ricky was carrying Skylar walking ahead of me, I had to stop and appreciate what was happening around me. The wind was erasing my footsteps in the sand. The only place that existed was where I was standing there and then.

I caught a glimpse of what it entails to nurture her feminism. I had no idea how strongly I would feel about it. Until her Aunt bought her a doll.