Staying Present During Maternity Leave
It probably seems silly. Right after writing a blog post about leaving my newborn for three weeks, I’m writing about staying present during my maternity leave. And as silly as it might sound, that’s one of the things it took to remain as fully present as I could with not only Naomi but with my other two babies.
In general, I think all Mamas can agree, staying present requires effort and intention. On most days, I’m surrounded by piles of laundry that needed to be folded, checking the calendar so I’m not a no-show for the next appointment and starting a list of items in my mind that need to be picked up over the next several days. Then I am wondering the best way to catch up on last night’s sleep loss as I multitask giving Naomi the bottle, kissing an ouchie for Skylar and making sure Maverick doesn’t hit his head again as he climbs on a box of diapers. It can be rare, that I just enjoy the moment I am in without feeling the pressure of the future which can be negative or positive stress because most of the time it’s mixed. For example, getting out to the splash park- positive stress sounds like I should get everyone a little fun in the sun today before the summer ends. The negative stress that can be associated with packing up all the stuff, making sure everyone has a good nap so no one is cranky at the park and Naomi is fed accordingly so my hands are free for the other two while they run wild. All of which make for an enjoyable activity and the ability to be present to smile at Maverick’s curiosity, laugh as Skylar gets splashed and cherish Naomi as her wide eyes take it all in on a beautiful clear day. Like everything else, it’s balance and during this maternity leave, I wanted to have as much time in the present as I did tending to all of the other obligations of motherhood. This is how I approached it and feel very happy about it.
Finish the goals that keep you up at night before the newborn does. Months leading up to Naomi’s delivery, there were tasks that I knew I had to accomplish before she came so that I wouldn’t be constantly finding time away from her to do it. Knowing me, if I couldn’t find the time, I would be distracted by my desire and become frustrated that the day only had 24 hours rather than 30. This Mixed Feelings Mama blog was one of them. I wanted it launched before delivery. When the idea came, I bounced it off my good friend who has experience with online presence and her advice was that I needed to be consistent. Write every month and when I had about 6 months’ worth of material then launch and keep to your schedule. I prioritized doing so by compiling my ideas for blog topics and sitting down for a hour here and there to find a nice photo and writing about an experience along with it. Then in anticipation of having little time to blog when she joined us, I had a detailed plan for the next 3 posts. I launched a month before Naomi came. I felt good about the website and knew I didn’t rush the project. Finishing my book was another enormous task that I knew had to complete for a number of reasons. I had the time off from work to write and my husband had the time off to watch the kids while I wrote. Both of us physicians during a pandemic, this time was fleeting and I had to take advantage of the 3 weeks. In that time, I was determined to finish the manuscript. I would not check out of the AirBnb without a printed copy of the final manuscript because it meant losing out on more days with my family. For 14 hours a day, I created and I wrote the book. If I had not, I would be trying to write while juggling the kids and it would not have happened. Although writing the book took away from my maternity leave, it allowed me to come back and optimize the remaining 9 weeks.
Take a baby moon with your Baby Daddy. I actually didn’t realize the importance of this until I had my first, Skylar. When I got pregnant and heard about baby moons, I just wanted any excuse to travel. So we set off to Cappadocia, Turkey for a week and called it a baby moon as we hiked the valleys, explored air museums, rode ATVs at sunset and floated with hundreds of hot air balloons towards the sky. When Skylar came, we didn’t have much quality time together and almost everything goes from being about us to being about the baby. Errands, conversations, walks, weekends, everything. The baby moon became a symbol of dedication to our marriage and a celebration of growing our family. It allowed us to appreciate each other, create positive vibes for another chapter and remind us that we are a team as we get ready for another challenge. So for Maverick, we went to Morocco and with travel restrictions, we went to Lake Tahoe for Naomi. We planned the trips for what we needed to be good for us and as parents. Morocco was full of adventure roaming Marrakesh and riding camels in the Sahara. Lake Tahoe was romantic and intimate. We booked couples’ massages and talked for hours in a heated outdoor pool. I talk about my relationship with Ricky and how it changed with babies extensively in my “3 Shades of Postpartum Blues” post. Our maternal instinct tells us to put our babies first but it has helped tremendously when we learned to put each other first. Whether it is a weekend or a week, a few towns over or across the ocean, prioritize your time together knowing that it gets more and more limited with more children. Taking a baby moon and focusing on our love allowed me to be present with him and the kids without feeling like I’m one was taking away from the other
Every once in a while, just DGAF. Isn’t it part of becoming a mom? To care about every little thing from making sure they eat, sleep and learn enough to keeping their hands clean to saying please and thank you to not choking. Being a mom is exhausting, whether your babies sleep or not, because it feels like I can never let my guard down. Because if you do, someone will hurt themselves, lose weight or fuss. That responsibility leads to anxiety and you can drive yourself freaking nuts over these tiny humans. So sometimes, I decide on the thing that I’m not going to give a f@&$ about and let that s#*% go. A nap gets cut short, Skylar wants chips and chocolate instead of vegetables, the toddlers go on a diaper strike, Maverick ate something that fell on the floor and Cocomelon is playing on repeat. Who cares?! Probably only me. I have to check myself before I let it bother me too much. Are we at the hospital? No. Are we in danger? No. One day when they are interviewed on their path to success is anyone going to refer to the above? NO. Is everyone safe, healthy and loved? YES. So let it go, Fe, and enjoy the next moment before you miss it getting worked up over spilled milk. I’ve gotten quite good at this.
Mix it up and venture out. We spent 2 of my 12 weeks off in NH at my mom’s house. We ate sand at the beach, spent a day at the New England Aquarium, picked and released hermit crabs at low tide, shopped at the boardwalk, dined at rooftop restaurant with live music, visited family and entertained many wonderful visitors. My husband joined us for the last weekend along with his side of the family. I was pushing Skylar in a swing and telling my father-in-law all of the things we did during our trip. At one point, he said, “You know they aren’t going to remember any of this. Not until around 4.” He didn’t mean anything negative about it but I think he thought it was a lot of effort on my part trekking these kids around to do stuff when they aren’t going to remember it. “I know, Dad. But I’m going to remember it. I want to expose to them to as much as I can since we’re not traveling right now and to see things through their eyes. The memories are for me,” I smiled. Like I explained in my “Mix It Up” post, I am much more present when we are in a new place doing new things on no one’s schedule other than ours then in the necessary routine of daily life- bottle, diaper change, play, lunch, nap, snack, play, bath, book, bedtime plus laundry, dishes, cook, clean in between. It’s refreshing. To only care about our experience right now. To fully immerse myself with them. To get just as mesmerized as Skylar over a giant turtle eating lettuce, as free as Maverick as he runs towards the waves and get excited at dipping Naomi’s toes in salty cold ocean water for the first time. This was why I extended our usual 1 week out in NH to 2 weeks to do more and make more of getting away from our normal environment when we had the chance to do it.
Shake it off during nap time. Common advice for new parents with young babies is “Nap when they nap.” I certainly do this occasionally when I really need it and I know another cup of coffee won’t cut it. But for the most part, I am not good at sleeping during daylight hours and there’s a lot of stuff that needs to get done while the babies are down. I don’t always do it- prep for dinner, sweep up crumbs, tidy up. Sometimes I shake off the morning so I can be prepare and be present for the afternoon and evening. Having a quiet house and going to the bathroom uninterrupted can be enough depending on how I feel and how hectic the morning is. Other times, I need more. While at my mom’s, I was able to go for a run during nap time. A couple of miles along the coast with a killer hip-hop playlist and endorphins pumping through my body was what I needed. At home, I might hop on the peloton with the baby monitor nearby. Other times, I need to mentally and emotionally escape. So I read my book for 20-minutes but kept going if I got wrapped up in another lifetime and story that didn’t involve anything similar to mine. A long hot shower until my skin wrinkled is always a good choice. During nap time today, I’m writing this blog post. Using those 2 hours (give or take 30 minutes) to focus on me and what I need to get through the rest of the day knowing that feeling present and grateful is important for us.
Figure out your “out-of-office” reply. Unfortunately, during maternity leave, you may still have obligations at the job you will be returning to. Being a working mom, the line between work and family isn’t clear and sometimes one takes priority over the other. I can’t always make bedtime if the ICU is busy and if I have an early OR case and have to get to the hospital before they wake up, I may not see them at all that day. It’s the nature of my career as a critical care anesthesiologist and as long as it’s not every day, for now, I am okay with it. Yet if there is ever a time that you can fully step out of your role as a working mom and step into full-time mom, maternity leave is the time to do it! You carried a life for 10 months, delivered a sweet baby that you promised to protect and nurture. This is the best time as ever to say no to work and have an automatic “out until…” email reply. If you don’t have to worry about work then it makes being present much easier. I didn’t say no to everything. I still got onto a meeting or two towards the end of leave to get back into the swing of things. I reviewed one case as a committee member but I set a boundary that I would not be presenting it. Don’t feel any sort of way about your time off and how you spend it away from work because it is yours, yours only and it can’t be made up. It doesn’t roll over. If the world wants to keep turning then women need to have children and in some cases, work. The standard American 12 weeks off is minuscule compared to the time off other countries allow and a small fraction of the 18 plus years you have just committed to. You can never have those first weeks of your baby’s life back! And anyways, who needs you more? Your boss or your newborn?
As my leave comes to an end and I prepare to start work again this week, I feel so lucky that I was able to spend my time the way I did. Naomi is the first baby that made me feel like I’m not ready to go back. Part of that may be because she is the easiest baby so far but a lot of it is because being my third leave, I knew that the weeks go by fast and the babies grow even faster, so I did everything I could to make sure I made the most of it for me and for them.
