If Not Me, Then Who?
“If you don’t, then who will?” She asked the rhetorical question from across the dining table.
Two of my closest friends from college and I were sipping cocktails over appetizers in a high-rise restaurant recently. We were discussing positions of influence in the work place. Both of them are Asian-American women like myself and both of them are excelling in their professions. Their opinions and guidance are important to me. They get it. When potential leadership opportunities or promotions are presented, there is an intuitive reflex to go after it. In my younger, child-free days, I went after every single chance to be at the top no matter how far-fetched they were. Now that I’m a mother of four, I resist the urge to immediately accept a position, evaluate my life goals and consider how the role would impact my family.
As a critical care anesthesiologist, I already have an atypical schedule. Just this week, I’ve missed kissing my babies goodnight seven nights in a row. I try so hard to tell myself that it's only seven days every four months each year that this schedule happens. I convince myself that seven nights is insignificant and there are so many more nights that I do get to read them a book, give hundreds of hugs and kisses then watch the baby monitor until they fall asleep. And after a few nights of that, I will be ready to let Daddy do the bedtime routine. As true as that may be, it doesn’t make the week any easier and I think seven nights can feel like a long time for them. By the end of the work week, I promise myself that I will go part-time soon. Then the next week, I forget how I felt and get caught up in the chaos. It’s as if not only do I forget but I take on more…
Along comes a position of influence in a male-dominated industry that presents itself to me and I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me. With it, comes more obligations, commitments and expectations. If I’m not careful, I will be missing much more than seven nights of bedtime snuggles.
The reality is that I don’t even enjoy non-clinical duties that much. I don’t mind them, but somehow, I attract them. I love my job and I am happiest performing a procedure, pushing a medication or saving a life. I could go without the meetings, the protocols and the politics, and I would feel totally content from taking care of patients. That’s my day-to-day take on it and it begs the question of whether this is something I genuinely want?
At first glance, the answer is no. I prefer scrubs over suits any day of the week. But when the universe continually makes certain opportunities reappear, I can’t help but feel like the answer is yes but I’m too distracted to appreciate it. So I started to shift my outlook on the world and this life by asking myself whether something is in line with my purpose rather than asking if it is something I want…
My purpose revealed itself when I became a mother. My purpose made itself loud and clear when I had my third daughter, Zuri Athena. My one son and three daughters are my purpose, and every decision I make serves that purpose. Eventually, I started to realize that opportunities kept on showing up because the strength in my purpose was attracting them. I didn’t readily acknowledge them because they weren’t delivered in gift wrap to my door step with my name on it. Rather, they show up in bits and pieces of inspiration, resources and connections that I have to put all together.
Skylar and Maverick, my two children who are old enough to talk (3 years old and 2 years old), are not allowed to say “can’t,” around me. “Yes you CAN open that box, you just need help until you can do it on your own one day.” They are encouraged to speak up. “You are a future (wo)man of color, if you want something, you speak up and speak clearly, baby. Don’t whine.” Our mantra is, “I’m strong. I’m fearless. I’m smart and beautiful/handsome and nothing in this world can stop me.” Without hesitation, I know what I want for them and I know how I want them to view themselves. Therefore, If a position of influence presents itself. I must take it. I must take it, take it seriously and flourish. Because before I know it, Skylar, Naomi and Zuri will find out that this is a man’s world. If I walk in my purpose and raise them well, nothing about that will intimidate them. If I turn down or away from opportunities to sit at the table as an Asian-American woman and be heard, what will I say to my daughters when they tell me there is not enough representation at their job or at school? And before I know it, Maverick will have relationships with women. If I walk in my purpose and raise him well, he will celebrate strong and ambitious women. And one day he will be given the chance to include them, speak up for them, encourage them and make space for them.
My maternity leave is over and I have been back at work for two weeks. I can’t stop thinking about her question. At the end of a long day in the ICU where you’re reminded of how short life is, I get in my car and feel a sense of urgency. I only have this one life to love them wildly, show them the world and blaze the trail to a better future. Just one. That’s it. In some ways, I lost myself when I became a mom. In other ways such as this, it has illuminated me. As I am driving home, all I can hear in my mind is my friend’s voice, “If you don’t, then who will?” For a moment, I am completely overwhelmed and on the verge of tears. The pressure, the burden, the magic, the answer, the gravity of it all feels like so much. Almost impossible. But not… And I snap out of it.
If not me, then who?
