A second faint pink line appeared. This cannot be accurate, I am on birth control. When I told my husband, he didn’t believe it either and came home after work with a handful of pregnancy tests. Ten minutes later, 2 pink lines, a happy face and a blue plus sign lit up next to the toilet. We were shocked and perhaps in some denial because we didn’t talk much about it for the next few days. Like I said, I was taking birth control.

After having 4 children one after another, the idea of a 5th right after our youngest wasn’t out of our ordinary. However, we had a a challenging year in 2022. So when Zuri approached her one year old birthday, I was finally okay with not having any more children and Ricky agreed. Zuri was walking, Naomi was expressing herself, Maverick was potty-training, and Skylar was becoming more self-sufficient. We were complete and I was on the pill. I was working out. My body was given a chance to fully recover. We didn’t have to buy formula anymore and we were gradually getting rid of some baby stuff. 

When I realized I was pregnant, I was not emotionally or mentally in the space that I usually was in the past. My blog is called mixed feelings mama for a reason and the sentiments I went through were all out of sorts. I couldn’t describe myself as happy about this news. I didn’t want to tell anyone and it took me weeks to call my ob for an appointment. A part of me was worried about the pregnancy risks associated with actively taking birth control during conception. Then when the first trimester nausea and vomiting set in, I was having serious doubts about whether or not I wanted to do this again. I am 38 years old juggling a full-time job as a physician and hospital leader, aggressively promoting my book as a debut author, just launching my speaking career, married to a full-time doctor, and trying to love my 4- year old, 3-year old, 2-year old and 1-year old the best way I know how. Baby number 5 didn’t feel like he/she had a place in our world. I knew I had other options as a woman and thoughts of my body, my choice certainly crossed my mind. I spoke candidly to Ricky about potentially not going through with this pregnancy. As I expected, he was not in favor of an abortion, but he would support any decision that I would move forward with. 

The more I considered the situation, the more distant I became with the idea of not having this baby. After my first anatomical ultrasound, I let the idea go entirely. Something about seeing that tiny thing wiggle around inside my body and the ultrasound tech (a young male in his 20s, clearly new in his position) ooh-ing and ah-ing at how cute the little hands and feet were generated a slight shift in me. For the record, I am a firm pro-choice advocate, but for me, a mother of 4 beautiful and healthy children that bring magic into my every day, seeing that human I created with the love of my life on that screen made it harder for me to stop our family from growing. Suddenly, unexpectedly expecting felt okay. Not good, but okay. 

From being okay, I slowly transitioned into a phase of gratitude. I truly am lucky. I didn’t really ever have too much trouble conceiving. After getting through the first 12 weeks of nausea, I tolerate pregnancy just fine. My deliveries were all uncomplicated and I was fortunate to have given birth to 4 healthy babies in my late 30s. I understand postpartum blues and I know exactly what to do to keep myself fulfilled. I have lots of wonderful help and my husband is an incredible father. I guess I don’t know why I wouldn’t have this baby…

Eventually, we started sharing the news and the response that resonated with me the most was… Congratulations? That big fat question mark was so spot on! And when I told my close friends and family that I was expecting again, it became real. Before it was real, the idea was simply a precious secret between me and Ricky. When the word was out, it became overwhelming. We are actually doing this. I confessed that I was feeling overwhelmed to a few girlfriends of mine and a few of their responses were exactly what I needed to feel more than okay. They may never appreciate how important their words were to me.

One comment was… I would be worried about you if you were NOT feeling overwhelmed. Validation. Thank you, Tiff. The other was… God does not give you what you can’t handle. Encouragement. Thank you, Louise. 

Shortly thereafter, my heart and mindset began to pivot.

I hit a point in every significant undertaking where I turn my stress and insecurities into productivity and proactivity. Pregnancy is no different and once I turn towards this trajectory, I embrace the journey, and I don’t look back. I nurture it with positive energy and allow it space to grow. Specific to pregnancy, I’ve always had a sense of urgency when I was carrying as if the due date was a deadline. I have 6 months or so before everything is about to change and when that time comes, I must slow down to focus on my family. Whatever needs to get done, needs to get done now… So let’s do this. 

Welcome to the most recent emotional state of my pregnancy: empowered and enlightened. The bump is showing and I’m due in July with another baby girl. She is meant for us and meant for this universe. The world needs more women like me, and the world needs more women raised by fathers like Ricky: caring, affectionate, respectful, reliable, and present. For those who have allowed me to share my story with them through the pages of my memoir, Spirit of a Hummingbird, you are familiar with my own father figure. I lived through a difficult childhood and the slightest deviation from the path I decided to take could’ve lead to propagating a pattern of emotional abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, and low self-worth. By choosing a man like Ricky, the generational trauma was tamed. By building a family with him, the cycle was broken. Perspective can be a mind-blowing phenomenon, and from this angle, unexpectedly expecting becomes so much more than a mommy of five to-be. It’s a purpose.