To Due List
When referring to my to do list, I’m not talking about all of the chores that I’m wildly behind on like spring cleaning, organizing the closets, washing my car, folding laundry, etc. The list goes on and simply will not get accomplished. I’ve accepted that. It feels wonderful when a window opens up in our hectic schedules that allows for one of the tasks to get done (or even partially done), but if it doesn’t, it’s fine. Quality family time, focusing on my passions, and dedicating energy to our future trumps all of that. I am constantly reminding myself to see the big picture.
I’m also not talking about nesting. I’m not sure I’ve ever nested in the typical fashion we think of towards the end of any of my pregnancies. On my fifth go-around, what I’ve learned is that it all figures itself out. It has to. So we stay flexible and remain adaptable because no amount of nesting will prepare me or us for how our family will change as we welcome another baby. I do, however, have a sense of urgency shortly after I find out I’m pregnant and my anticipated due date is disclosed. In the past, I’ve referred to my due date as a deadline because that’s what it feels like to me, the date that certain things must be completed, none of which would fall into the categories above. The date that I’m endowed with the privilege, responsibility, and capacity to bring a human into this world and raise them. I’m talking about movement, progress, momentum. Aside from feeling slightly slower, physically uncomfortable earlier, and according to my husband, a little more tired than my usual baby-carrying self, the sense of urgency remains the same. The tasks and goals have changed from one 9-month period to the next, and between my first and my fifth, the onset of this feeling has progressively been expedited and intensified. The feeling itself is very dynamic. Sometimes, it feels like passion, other times it’s like ambition. There have been moments when it feels like pressure, but through and through, it always feels like purpose.
Ricky and I were laying in bed with our youngest, Zuri, one weekend afternoon while the other 3 were napping. “The kids picked out what they wanted from your vision board today,” he mentioned. I glanced over to the poster on our bedroom wall I created about a year ago. I see my vision board at least a dozen times a day. I don’t stop and intentionally concentrate on the images as much as I should. He went on, Skylar wanted the beach house with the pool surrounded by palm trees, Maverick wanted the extravagant playroom, Naomi said I want to go there, and put her tiny little index finger with chipped pink polish on the red carpet. “And I think Zuri pointed to the movie set.” He picked up our chubby girl, walked her over to the vision board, and asked her what she wanted again. Again, she pointed to the photo of a movie set, cameras everywhere, professional lighting, green screens, and a chair for the director. Now their energy will allow us to attract it together, I thought. I make many of my decisions, small and big, day-to-day, based on the ultimate vision Ricky and I have for our family and our future. If I get distracted or drift from our path, Ricky will reliably get me, us, back on track. He makes everything possible.
Til this day, Ricky’s unconditional support and unwavering belief in my dreams has me dumbfounded. Every 6 months or so, I will be overwhelmed and ask myself what all this is for. A mini mid-life crisis about twice a year, usually after investing a serious amount of effort to an event, patient’s life, or both on a week my sleep is suboptimal and I didn’t make enough time to work out and meditate. One simple conversation will push me over the edge, I start crying over nothing, and the hysteria of not seeing my vision board through into fruition makes me paralyzed. And Ricky has no idea what in the world is going on and I’m left questioning my existence on this earth. I finish my glass of wine and curl up in bed for the night. The next day, despite these emotions, I cannot bring myself to give up. I won’t let it go. I know this. I reset and start a new day, picking up my purpose from where I left it. I’m strong. I’m fearless. I put the mother-effin FE in fearless. And nothing in this world can stop me… especially, not myself.
About 6 months later, we have the same discussion, and I have the same meltdown. What he’s taught me during these exchanges is to trust the process, keep my focus clear, and try to appreciate, even enjoy, this journey to the top. He convinces me this is when the greatness unfolds and when we arrive at the top and reflect on how we got here, we will realize that the fun occurred along the way. The story we are creating on this journey together is going to be tremendous. And he’s right. Every inspirational interview I’ve watched or success story I’ve heard has a sentiment of what we are experiencing now. It sounds like sacrifice… leaving my husband home to take care 3 small children only a few days after delivering a baby to write for 14 hours a day, 18 days straight, and checking out of the studio airbnb with a finished first draft of the book. It sounds like perseverance… trekking across the country to California with 3 suitcases filled with books for one weekend to pitch my memoir for one day with my husband and daughter on her 5th birthday while 7 months pregnant because I found an opportunity. It sounds like hard work and motivation… waking up at 5am to juggle a full-time job, leadership role, a big family, book tour, and audiobook production, at times in the span of a 24-hour day and still make time for master class, content, or writing after the kids fall asleep. Therefore, the to due list is keeping myself in a position to conquer the opportunity when the universe decides to reveal it to me. The person I will be at 5am tomorrow is a better version than the person I was this morning at 5am. I am prepared.
Understanding that I will inevitably slow down as my due date approaches in order to be present during maternity leave, I have to hustle harder than usual up until my legs are in stirrups and I’m ready to push. I’m ramping UP until July 8. It’s the pace that I thrive at and when driven by passion and purpose, feeling tired, being pregnant, not finding time are almost never excuses. I’m energized by the dream and wake up ready to do what it takes to chase that dream and make it my reality. The to due list involves making progress, evolving as a mother, growing as a person, letting the love rush in, and creating a life of happiness according to how we define it. It is so easy to get caught up and blinded by the overwhelming, never-ending to do list, and if not mindful, will make me lose sight of the to due list and if I lose sight of that, I would lose myself. And if I lose myself, the self I was before motherhood began, counterintuitively, I believe that I would deprive myself of the kind of mother I strive to be…
What’s on your to due list?
