The Thing About Mom Guilt…
… Is that it was created by women, mothers, and then perpetuated by society’s expectations. As far as I’m concerned… It’s. Not. Real. Mom guilt is an imaginary emotion that “we” have entertained, magnified and believed in to the point that if you Google ‘mom guilt,’ there is a definition. There are strategies on how to overcome it and even therapy specifically focused on managing ‘mom guilt.’ Again, a feeling that was made up and now we have programs that took advantage of that feeling to make it feel more real: a vicious cycle that I find ridiculous. We have given the concept of ‘mom guilt’ power only to make us weaker. In the spirit of Women’s History Month, I will attempt to dissolve this idea that we should feel ANY guilt and take the power back.
In general, when I think about guilt, the effects of feeling shame about anything has never led me to anything positive. As a result of self-reproach, I have overcompensated with behavior that wasn’t true to myself and dwelled on blame for far too long rather than moving forward. At the expense of guilt, I have watched friends and family members stay in unhappy relationships to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, showed up Monday through Friday at unrewarding jobs and given second chances to undeserving individuals. Then when I think about guilt as a mother, those are not consequences that I want to subject my children to. Every mom that I know is doing their best, giving their all, for their kids. Actually, every mom I know is performing beyond their best because before having babies they didn’t even realize how much they could endure and love.
There are a lot of common scenarios that I share with other moms that make me feel zero guilt, but can be overwhelming for another. The difference all boils down to perspective and here are some examples that I often deal with and what I see the situation as:
I stayed late at work to finish up… Now I can be more present for bedtime routine at home.
I hired a babysitter and I’m home… When I have an extra pair of hands, I can tackle weekend chores before it stresses me out as Sunday night comes around and I take it out on them.
I sat in my car to read for 10 minutes instead of rushing into the house… I allowed myself a moment of decompression before devoting all of my energy to them.
I missed bedtime… They are safe, they are loved and they know they will see me tomorrow.
I accepted a promotion that takes time away from my family… I’m showing them their leadership potential.
I’m spending my free time writing my book… I’m encouraging them to follow their dreams.
I’m working this weekend… They will never have any college debt.
Work is calling and I have to answer… Mommy has an important obligation to help others heal and go home to their families. They’re the center of my universe but the world doesn’t revolve around them.
I’m not breastfeeding anymore… Best fed is well fed, my body my choice. I was formula-fed… And???
So again, I ask myself, “What exactly would I feel guilty about?” From the outside looking in, it may not look like it, but every decision I make and every effort I give has been for my babies. Sometimes temporarily putting me first is what allows me to put them first forever. Whatever your situation is as a mama, if your feeling ‘mom guilt,’ just take a step back, look at the beautiful family that you are building, change your perspective and acknowledge your purpose. Take the power back.
