Maternity leave for my 5th child is coming to an end in just a few days. It’s been almost 8 weeks away from work. I made a true effort to turn it all off for 8 weeks. I had taken 12 weeks with my other 4 babies and that never felt like enough so my 8 weeks really had to be cherished and intentional. No checking work emails, notifications turned off, auto-reply set, no book events on my calendar, all meetings postponed, and this is the first time I am blogging since before giving birth to Aliyah.

Even with all those obligations aside and support at home, these weeks felt as hectic and demanding as any other. At any given moment, all of them want my immediate attention… Skylar wants me to watch her hula-hoop, Maverick gets hurt and needs a bandaid, Naomi wants to show me what she built with blocks, Zuri needs a hug, and Aliyah is due for a bottle. I haven’t even brushed my teeth and the coffee isn’t brewing yet. I’m in my pink robe as my eyes peel open after being up with the baby overnight. It’s a little after 6am and I give myself 20 minutes in the bathroom to get my face together and put on clothes. Skylar has unlocked the door. Naomi is going through the nail polish, Zuri is making emergency calls from my phone, and Maverick is creating a mural on our wall with colored pencils. My attention is constantly divided, one distraction leads to another, and I can feel myself on the brink of losing my patience as the day goes on and approaches bedtime. I take a deep breath and remind myself that I’m doing my best.

I have 5 kids who are 5 years old and under. There is only one of me. So it’s not them, it’s me. They each deserve my attentiveness and affection. And in their beautiful world, at moments, my presence is the only thing that matters. It’s important and it’s urgent to them. So again, it’s not them. It’s me. There’s not enough of me. And although, I know that I am a good mom, I can only do my best and my best doesn’t always allow for them to feel like they have enough of mommy. I’ve certainly tried. I had started doing Mommy days with each of them. We both love those days. However, logistically, it doesn’t happen very frequently. It requires me to have the day off and ideally not a weekend day since my husband is also off and we try to do activities as a family when we are both available. It also requires someone to be with the other kids and an explanation that the others will have a day with Mommy soon as well with no date to mention. There would be months between Mommy days, and on occasion, the youngest gets skipped because she wasn’t verbally expressive at the age of one and therefore couldn’t keep me accountable. My days “off” quickly became designated to an ambitious day planned for me and an individual child rather than a bit of downtime for myself. After having our 4th child, it simply did not make sense anymore. Between the book, my clinical duties, and leadership obligations, the calendar only got tighter with each month. Mommy days were gradually turning into a memory.

“Remember yesterday, when we had Mommy and Maverick day at open tumble,” Maverick would mention. My children were learning the concept of the past and using the term yesterday to mean any time before the current day, sometimes the current moment. So for context, “yesterday” in the way Maverick was using it was almost over a year ago.

“Of course I remember, little man. I LOVED that day.”

“Me too. I want to do that again, Mommy!” The excitement in his voice made my heart so full.

In typical Felicia fashion, I racked my brain on how I could continue to make these days doable and fair with a 5th baby on the way. I can make anything work, I thought to myself. That’s one of my superpowers. Coming up with something kept me up at night. That’s me. I loose sleep over ideas that I desperately want. I’ll plan exceptional Mommy days during my maternity leave. Yup. I’ll deliver, spend 2 nights at the hospital, then have a Mommy day every 2 weeks, which worked out perfect with 4 current children and 8 weeks of leave. I closed my eyes feeling satisfied with my solution.

Before we knew it, we came home with baby Aliyah and everyone was adjusting to our new family dynamic in their own way. The newborn phase was in full effect with feeds every 2-3hrs, bottles piling up in the dishwasher, an overflowing diaper genie, family visits, little sleep, and lots of postpartum hormones. Mommy days gradually moved lower and lower on the priority list until it completely fell off and I let it go.

Like I said, I felt like more than ever, I had to make the most of our time together on this maternity leave. As a working mother, my time for my family is limited in many ways. I will never have this time back, I told myself. As we settled in, I quickly realized that chaos can always get more chaotic and this level was our new baseline. I also realized, once again, how children are proof that the capacity to love is infinite. And as these days unfolded, the universe gave me small opportunities here and there to connect with Skylar, Maverick, Naomi and Zuri one-on-one even as I focused on keeping Aliyah safe, healthy, and fed.

Skylar started kindergarten this year. Between finishing pre-K and summer camp, she had one week with no place to be except home with me. We did independence 101 for 4 days where we did things like cleaning up after the rest of the kids after they left for daycare, ran errands with me, organized, and learned to turn the shower on/off. We did our daily affirmations per usual. We exercised, read 3 books a day, made art, ate lunch outside, and meditated. We watched Wonder Woman together uninterrupted (almost) beginning to end. On a gorgeous day, over dinosaur chicken nuggets and barbecue sauce, we sat at a kid’s picnic table that I hardly fit on and chatted.

“You’re so beautiful, Sky,” I often said admiring her curls and sun-kissed skin.

“I know, Mommy,” she casually replied. “I’m the MOST beautiful girl ever.” I smiled in agreement. This response confirmed that we are doing something right as parents (thank goodness).

Then we talked about the anticipation of kindergarten and how she will have to do her best and work hard every day so that she could someday do whatever she wanted like mommy. She asked what I did. I told her that I’m a doctor that helps people get the surgeries they need, an author, and Vice President of the hospital. I had to define that an author writes books like the one we have in our house. “Do you know what a Vice President is?” I continued. Skylar paused holding her chicken nugget still mid-dip in the barbecue sauce. I could tell she was thinking about it. Then her eyes lit up and she curiously clarified, “Wait… you’re a leader?” When I confirmed, she exclaimed with confidence that she wants to be a leader too. The tone in her statement made me think that she believed that she could be a leader and that belief became a little more real in this moment.

As the universe continued to give me brief moments of alone time with each child, the better I became at recognizing them. I started to welcome them. Naomi is 3 years old and has a tendency to wander away from her siblings when she decides she is no longer interested in their play. We were in New Hampshire visiting my mother at the beach and we were playing all day for 2 weeks straight. I was still recovering from giving birth so I opted to spend a lot of the day nearby Aliyah as everyone else ran around with the rest of the kids. I was preparing lunch and Naomi wandered in declaring she wants to come inside now. Typically, I would encourage her to go back outside, enjoy the weather, and play with the others. And typically, she would resist. However, this time, I turned the stove on low so I didn’t have to worry about overcooking anything and asked her what she wanted to do inside. She picked up the ping pong paddle so I collected the ping pong balls. And we attempted to play ping pong in the living room until the balls disappeared again giggling every time we missed.

“Oh no, mommy,” Naomi pointed beyond me as the last ball bounced outside and off the deck.

“That’s okay. Do you want to go back outside while I finish making lunch?”

“No.”

“Why do you want be in here, baby? It’s so nice out.”

“Because I want to be inside with you, mommy, because I love you so much!” Naomi said with conviction in a fierce stance and straight face in her cute but loud little voice. She must’ve noticed that I found that response irresistibly adorable because her straight face turned into a bright smile and then a burst of laughter as she ran up to me for a hug. I always close my eyes when I get hugs that I want to hold onto forever, and in this moment, forever didn’t feel long enough.

Maverick ran to the door in his pajamas and started putting on his shoes after I told the nanny I was running out for a quick errand. When I say quick errand, I usually leave the kids home. Bringing the kids will make it a long errand. And if I attempt to bring some of the kids, the remaining children will have meltdowns. But this time, Maverick had his shoes on and the girls didn’t even notice him at the door or myself getting ready to head out. So when the nanny came over to bring him back, I shrugged my shoulders and opened the door for him to join me. He enthusiastically buckles in his booster seat and alludes to our very first Mommy-Maverick day as mentioned. Maverick has the type of energy that will put you in a great mood when he’s around. We were just going to pick up a few ingredients to make broccoli salad and he was thrilled.

I pulled out a shopping cart. “Do you want to walk or get in?” He wants to get in, but when I tried to prop him into the back, he insists on sitting in the front seat of the cart. “What? Ok. You’re a baby?” I smirk as I playfully guide his legs through the holes.

“No, I’m a big boy!” He fidgets to get comfortable and looks me directly in the eye with his sweet face and big round curls. “I’m a big boy, but I’m yooouurr baby.” He explains as he nods his head and widens his eyes as he emphasizes the difference.

“Yes, you are.” I kiss his cheek until it tickles. In this moment, I realize he’s actually not a baby at all anymore. He’s a smart and charming 4 year old boy that will only be my baby for so long.

It’s 4am and I hear Zuri crying on the monitor. She rarely wakes up before her siblings. When I go up there, she doesn’t want lay back down in bed so I bring her downstairs. She snuggles so close, I am on the edge of a king-sized bed. In seconds, I hear her snoring softly, drool at the corner of her lip, her chubby cheek pressed against the pillow, and I can’t fall back asleep. I caress her head pulling back her hair so I can see her whole face. I stare at her studying every perfect detail of my baby girl… soft lashes, skin like pearls, a button nose. And for a moment, between the calmness of dawn and her warmth, there is nothing else on my mind except for my Zuri and a sense of pure gratitude.

As our family grows, our schedules get busier, the house gets louder, the mess gets messier, and we all can get lost in the commotion. However, time remains exactly the same… twenty-four hours in a day and we can’t stop the clock. So when no one is looking and I notice an opportunity, I slow down, steal the MOMent, and make it meaningful.