As I was listening to Gabriel Union’s audiobook You Got Anything Stronger? on my way home from work, I had a moment of clarity. She speaks of this unrealistic idea of balance, and however close she may think she is to this oasis, it is unreachable. It doesn’t exist. I could relate. I am so far from having balance that I have stopped chasing that mirage. I do my best to embrace the chaos and revel in the extremes. Then I thought to myself, “So, wait! If Gabriel Union can’t find balance, how the hell am I supposed to?” For those that don’t know, she had fertility issues so she had a surrogate carry her baby. In no way undermining her experience, the reality is she didn’t have to endure pregnancy, labor, delivery or breastfeeding. She has all of the help any mom could wish for including chefs, maids, night nurses, nannies, hair, makeup, personal trainers, a driver, and her husband (Dwayne Wade) was retired. I slapped my steering wheel, nodded my head and chuckled to myself. F*CK BALANCE.

Then I wondered, if I changed parts of my life, would balance be on the table? What if I went part-time, maybe even stayed at home? What if I waited in between pregnancies so not all 3 were in diapers, on bottles and unable to verbalize their needs at the same time? What if I hired a ghostwriter for my book? Or took a break from traveling? Or had the cleaning lady come help us every week instead of every other? Would I have balance?

I quickly realized that the answer was no. Not only because some of the hypotheticals I listed are not possible but because for the most part, I don’t want to do any of that. I don’t want to give up any part of myself or my ambitions or my passions for more… balance. Have you ever met a mother, no matter what their situation is, who has told you their life is balanced? I know myself. If I took one thing off my plate, I would eventually be putting time and effort into what I was carrying only to throw me off balance again. Yet, it’s not all about me anymore. It’s about my husband, my babies and my mother, and all of us as a family. And suddenly, although fleeting, it felt selfish to persistently hold onto being myself throughout motherhood.

I mean, of course, it’s hard. When I miss bedtime kisses because I am doing everything I can to save a young man dying from Covid-19 so that he can see his kids one day again. When Skylar is at the grocery store with her dad picking up an apple for everyone to put in the plastic bag except for Mommy… “One for me, one for Maverick, one for Naomi, Daddy and Grandma.” When asked, what about Mommy, she tells him, “No not one for Mommy. Mommy’s working.” She knows that I’m not around this weekend so why would I need an apple. When Maverick is sick with a fever and all he wants are mama snuggles and I can’t be there because I'‘m making sure a worried patient gets through her cancer surgery safely. Or I leave Naomi days after her birth to go finish writing my book so I can fulfill my dream of becoming a best-selling author. The effect of this doesn’t stop here because then when I am spending precious time with my wonderful tiny humans, I am totally present. I have definitely missed a few important zoom meetings here and there because I was busy painting rocks and blowing bubbles. There might be no dinner and no plans for dinner when my husband gets home after work only a sink full of dirty dishes, trash that needs to be taken out and his family having a diaper dance party in our living room covered in laundry. Then I need to decompress so rather than spending quality time with Ricky and listening about his day, I might hop on the Peloton or finally take a shower. When we find a good day this month to go on a date, we have no childcare. So I ask my mom to stay an extra night after she’s been cleaning, cooking and caring for the kids for weeks and needs a break herself so I can prioritize my marriage tonight. Then I hire a babysitter to come in the morning so that my mother can at least sleep in tomorrow. The cycle goes on.

Well, this is my version of “balance.” Walking on tiptoes across a tight rope carrying everything that makes me whole and happy careful not to drop a damn thing before I make it to the other side. I’m rapidly redefining the concept of balance for someone like me and other moms that want it all. I don’t want to lose myself. I want to love myself so that I can love those around me even better. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation of the woman that I am. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s a negotiation. I trade motivational bedtime stories with hopefully, being an inspiration to them. I share my desire to travel by showing them the world because I know they can change it but they have to see it first. Spending my weekends consoling families during a historic global pandemic will teach them empathy and compassion for others. They will see no limits in their ability to achieve anything their hearts may dream of because their dad and I will take this family to the next level. I blog about it so that perhaps one day they can read our story and understand our purpose as their parents a little better. Skylar, Maverick, and Naomi will be trailblazers, legends, champions, STARS. This is how we balance their inevitable greatness.

In the meantime, I will continue to find a few minutes of meditation every day, get my mani/pedi once a month and keep on balancing my blessings with a little bit of grace, a lot of grit and all of the gratitude I can possibly muster up.